My Own Facts Submitted To a Candid World

A Play in One Page

by S. Jonathan Cornus

Setting: Exam_nation, where the students are always preparing for tests from the College Bored, routinely sacrificing blood and treasure.

Figure 1- Inspiration: A sign in a Chinese medicine hospital

Costumes: Students all wear T-shirts with Sisyphus pushing his pebble up a molehill. 

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Voltaire (a ghostly apparition): What is the best of all possible worlds?

Playdough (a famous student): I get a 5 on my AP European History exam.

Wythe (a famous teacher): Would you like to know something?

Playdough: I do know something! The answer is either A, B, C, or D.

Wythe: Sometimes it equals E, Einstein (sarcastically).

Playdough: I got 23 of 50 questions on my practice test.

Wythe: Is that good?

Playdough: They will give me another test today. Maybe I will get 24. Tomorrow maybe I can get to 50%. It is April 6. Maybe by Fri, May 6, 2022, 8 AM Local time I will get to 50 out of 50 even with a couple of setbacks.

Wythe: Then you will know everything. Our work will be done. We can stop doling out advice; you can stop coming to class. You can be “out to lunch” all the time. The mask will fall away and we will see Wisdom.

Playdough: The other teachers tell me that the AP exams are really important. I even found an article on ThoughtCo, which is a fact-checked and reputable site. It says they are important. (earnestly)

Wythe: The AP Courses are really important.

Playdough: You cannot have one without the other. 

Wythe: Does your AP Environmental Science course have at least 25% of the time spent in the laboratory or doing field work?

Playdough: Of course not. Nobody in Exam nation follows that Rx. But I think I might only get a 4.

Wythe: What college-level textbook are you using?

Playdough: I have European History for Dumases and something from the College of NJ Review. It is a bit dated, but most of European history happened before it was printed so I figure it is all right. Exam nation does not allow foreign textbooks any longer so I Bing a lot of stuff.

Wythe: No sense Bing-ing it. You should take a look at Gibbons’ six volumes. Then you will be excessively well-prepared for the Fall.